Yearbook: 1994 The Lost Journal: |
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Feeling on Top of the World! What an incredible weekend it's been! Claire said some truly wonderful things to me, and for the very first time in my life, I feel genuinely wanted. After she left last night, I just lay on my bed, basking in the quiet darkness, filled with an overwhelming sense of how lucky I am. It's an amazing feeling, and I can't help but smile. I'm yours and you're mine... forever! Looking Forward with Excitement! Something truly transformative has happened recently – for the first time ever, I've started to genuinely think about the future! I've always been a "live for today" kind of person, seeing no real reason to do otherwise. My professional ambitions have always taken the lead, with my personal life (what little there was of it) tagging along. But now, it feels like a whole new chapter is opening up, full of bright possibilities! Cherishing Every Moment and Future Plans! My mind has been buzzing with happy thoughts about Claire! I was just thinking about her holiday next month, and while I'll certainly miss her, I'm already planning to do everything I can to get to the airport to see her off. And then there's August, when we get to spend a whole week together at her house – I can't wait! My thoughts are already racing ahead to Christmas, my birthday, her 21st birthday... you name it, I've been happily planning it out in my head! I even caught myself daydreaming about the night we'll spend in her hotel, though I had to rein it in a bit because it was putting me off my work! Speaking of work, it's been one of the best days in months! I've successfully completed two ad amendments for Phoneday and even landed a new one. It feels fantastic to be productive and so incredibly happy at the same time!
A Stronger Bond Through Support Last night, Claire was feeling a little down, and while she often tries to keep her worries to herself (something I can definitely relate to!), she bravely let me in. It was so meaningful to be there for her, to offer my support and just listen. It reinforced how much we mean to each other. She is so important to me, truly a part of who I am, and I never want to let her go. My heart aches when she's hurting, and I cherish her happiness above all else. My love for her is boundless; I truly couldn't imagine my life without her. No words on a page, or even on a screen, could ever fully capture the depth of my feelings. Claire, I love you… Navigating Challenges with Resilience While the week started on such a high note, there have been a few bumps in the road today. I'm feeling a bit frustrated with some of the moodiness around me, I am talking about my boss - Andrew. It's a good reminder that even when things are tough, a little bit of civility goes a long way. I'm focusing on staying positive and keeping my own spirits up! Overcoming Obstacles and Looking Forward Okay, it's been a challenging afternoon, and I admit I'm feeling incredibly frustrated right now with my work. It's easy to get caught up in the moment, but I know this feeling won't last. I'm choosing to see this not as being "trapped," but as a temporary hurdle. I'm determined to push through this and focus on the brighter side, knowing that things are going to get better. This feeling of frustration is just fuel to remind me that staying positive and resilient is always worth it.
A Bright Start, Even with a Stormy Night! Apparently, there were thunderstorms last night – everyone's been chattering about them, but I didn't hear a peep! This morning offered a bit of an adventure, driving through a flood, but I handled it like a pro. It just goes to show, you never know what the day will bring! Last night, I had the joy of seeing Claire, and she was in the most wonderful mood I've ever witnessed. Reflecting on it, I realised I could've been a better listener, as I focused a bit much on my own worries. But that's okay! It's a valuable reminder to always bring my best self to our time together. I'm already planning to make an even greater effort to match her incredible energy and truly celebrate our moments. Every day's a new chance to shine!
Sunny Days Ahead, Despite the Bumps in the Road! Yesterday certainly threw a bit of a curveball, probably one of the toughest days since my time in Tickhill. Huntsmen Limited, the company I work for, has ceased trading, and it's left Andrew (my boss) and me a bit short on cash. For a moment, it felt like hitting a wall – no job, no money, back to square one. I really didn't want to burden Claire with it all. She's been in such a fantastic mood these last couple of days, and I've probably been a bit of a moaner this week, so I wanted to protect her positive vibe. But last night, parked in a quiet layby near the Strines, Claire said some truly wonderful things to me. I tried to reciprocate, and while the words sounded brilliant in my head, they didn't quite flow out as smoothly as I hoped – more of a tumble than a graceful pirouette! Still, I'm learning to navigate these new waters. It's been a challenge to switch off from work worries when I'm with her lately, but I'm determined to get better at it. Thankfully, today is a completely different story! The money situation hasn't changed just yet, but our spirits certainly have. We're looking at things with so much more positivity! With a bit of luck, we might even sell off a computer and a printer to get some immediate cash. I love you, Claire, and thank you for always sticking by me. Embracing the Weekend Ahead! Great news – I've got enough money to head out tonight, which is brilliant! It'll be a tight squeeze, and I hope Claire understands if we can't use the car on Sunday, but seeing her is what truly matters. I've been smiling all day just thinking about her. Her face from last night, when she told me how I made her feel, keeps replaying in my mind. No one has ever wanted me for simply being me before, and it's an absolutely incredible feeling! My legs might ache a bit, but my heart is soaring!
A Fresh Week Full of Hope! It's the start of another week, and I'm really optimistic it's going to be much better than the last! Yesterday morning started off a bit low, with work worries and some family friction weighing on me. But then, Claire came to the rescue! She even put some petrol in my car, and we headed off to Castleton. She was absolutely wonderful, making me feel like I didn't have a single care in the world. Her presence just makes everything better! While we were out, I spotted some amazing metal Gothic-style statues and figures in one of the shops. They were truly captivating! I've already made a mental note to start a collection when I get some money together – something exciting to look forward to! Cherishing Connections and Future Plans! Later that evening, after Claire went out, I relaxed and watched some drama about an ape man. Then, at 11:15pm, Claire called and popped over! My sister has been a bit challenging lately, but Claire and I focused on us. We had a lovely chat about her upcoming holiday in September, which has been on my mind. I know I'll miss her terribly during that fortnight, but it's exciting to have future plans to look forward to! Claire, I love you so much. Even when we're apart, I miss you. I truly want to spend the rest of my life with you. xxx
The Brink of Quitting and Hell on Earth I walked in this morning with every intention of quitting. Yesterday, Andrew, the boss, was droning on about opening a coal yard – a prospect I absolutely refuse to be part of. Lo and behold, he's changed his mind again (what a surprise), and now it's back to the advertising game. The only catch? He hasn't closed a single deal all week. There's no money coming in, and if he can't even sort out my petrol money today, I won't be back. And if I don't get a decent paycheck at the end of the week – and by "decent," I mean enough to live on, not some extravagant sum – consider this my last week. Those are the two hurdles Andrew needs to clear if he wants to keep me here. I'm done being messed around; no one is going to push me about anymore. I simply won't stand for it. Last night, Claire was an absolute lifesaver. She helped me see through all this chaos and remember that, as a person, I still have worth. I love you so much, Claire. I really need you.
The First Day of Unemployment I did it. Today marks the first day of my unemployment, though I've actually been working since 9am this morning. The biggest fear gnawing at me through all of this? Losing Claire. It's primarily my own attitude and plummeting self-esteem that scare me.
A Night With My Sweetheart I saw Claire this evening, all thanks to my sister, Kerry, who had let her down. Her loss is definitely my gain. Claire, I feel so completely at ease when I'm with you. I will love you forever.
The Reality of Unemployment This morning, I signed on for the first time. It was a relatively painless task, but still, undeniably humiliating. Meanwhile, my former employer keeps phoning me, asking about the computer and claiming things are going "fine." What a load of bullshit. I just wish he'd stop hassling me and go live his own life, letting me get on with rebuilding mine. I even filled out an application to work on the buses. I don't really want the job, but work is work, and I can't survive on Income Support alone. If I get it, I'll use it as a stop-gap until something proper comes along.
A Glimpse of Joy I just saw my sweetheart walking back from the shops, and it's completely made my day. Just two minutes can be the difference between an okay day and a wonderful one. Later, I'm heading to the pictures with my best friend, Ian. "Sirens" Got back from the pictures about 15 minutes ago. We saw 'Sirens' – an average film, honestly, with a few amusing bits and plenty of nudity. Now, I'm just counting down the minutes until I get to speak to Claire again. I love her so much; life feels so much clearer with her. She makes me see the world from a different perspective, and I want to be with her all the time. I miss her when she's not around. I want her to be mine forever.
The Job Hunt Begins I slept in this morning, not waking until around 10:20am. While I prefer an earlier start, my body clock is clearly reverting to its natural rhythm. Tomorrow marks Thursday, which means new job listings in the papers, so I'll have plenty to do. Insecurity and Unwavering Love I'm not sure if I'll see Claire later; I'm feeling a bit insecure at the moment. But one thing is absolutely clear: I love her like no other. I can't imagine a future without her. She is everything to me, and my life simply wouldn't be the same without her. I did end up seeing Claire, and she seemed quite down, the lowest I'd seen her in a while. I accidentally left my glasses at her place, and it's too late to go back. Now I'm stuck with my "dorkish" spares, which I'll be refusing to wear in public!
Giro Day and Job Search Disappointment Today, I received my giro: £35 to last two weeks. Disappointingly, there were no job listings in the Star today, which has left me feeling pretty angry. I don't expect my mood to improve much today. Unwanted Company and Anticipation Kerry, my sister, is downstairs with Jayne from across the road, which has effectively exiled me upstairs. Jayne didn't even acknowledge me when she came in; it seems Kerry's lack of manners is contagious. I think I'll head to the shops soon. I know I shouldn't be spending money right now, but I'm feeling low and could use some caffeine and chocolate to lift my spirits. I'm really looking forward to seeing Claire tomorrow, even though the thought of meeting her relatives is a bit daunting. It's incredibly flattering that she considers me important enough to bring along. I love you, Claire. Later this week I'm going to help Ian dig his garden. He's trying to lower the level by about a foot, so I'll probably be completely exhausted by lunchtime. The Confinement of This Room This room – my bedroom – feels like a prison. I have everything I need here, everything except Claire. It's still confining. I've tried to let my mind wander through art and music, and it works to some extent, but not for long. Am I sentenced to be here for a long time? I don't know. I desperately need to work, to do my work, not just chores around the house. I try inventing briefs for myself to follow, but they aren't real. I guess I'll just have to wait. I hate this; it's degrading, demoralizing, and downright boring. They say you are what you do... so if I don't do anything, does that mean I am nothing? Sometimes I think so, other times I feel like I could take on the world. At this particular moment, I might be nothing... so what? Who cares? I don't.
Aching Muscles and Wedding Bells Today was a bit of a workout! I spent the day digging in Ian's garden, and I'm definitely feeling it now. The good news is, I'm getting ready to head out to a wedding reception with Claire. Looking forward to celebrating!
A Wonderful Day with Claire I had a truly wonderful day with Claire today, and we're planning to go out again tonight. Last night's reception was surprisingly fun – I honestly didn't expect to enjoy myself so much. Claire's family turned out to be quite lovely, much like my own, despite her initial descriptions!
Weekend Bliss and Thoughts of Claire What a fantastic weekend it's been! Now, it's just a matter of waiting for tomorrow. Today, I went to Claire's work charity fete. I spotted her at the gate dressed as Batgirl – she might insist it was Batman, but I much prefer the Batgirl image! We spent a couple of hours together later, and honestly, the stress I've been carrying about my situation has completely lifted. I feel better than I have in months. Claire is truly all that's on my mind. My walk home from the Swallow Hotel, where she works, to Flat Street, the bus stop, was entirely spent thinking about her. Next weekend, we're planning to spend the entire weekend together, just the two of us. Finances and Future Plans I might have overspent a bit this weekend; I'm down to about £10. I'll need to figure out some cash flow before Friday if I want to go out. Being with Claire feels all-consuming in the best way. She's truly central to my life now.
Navigating Emotions and Future Hopes Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions. My moods have been all over the place – happy one moment, then a little upset, irrational, and finally, quite depressed. It's not fair to Claire, yet she doesn't seem to be deterred. No one has ever shown me the love she does, and I really wish I could do more for her. It feels frustrating to want so little from life – a job in my chosen career and a car – and yet feel like I can't quite get there, especially when my friends seem to have it all. I regret my recent behaviour and am committed to doing my best to improve. |
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© CAPTAINKIRT
